The scene: A solitary chat room, sparse, with a few chairs on the grey concrete floor. The walls aren't visible in the mist. Some wooden chairs are arranged randomly on the floor. Three austere figures scrape the floor with the chairlegs as they pull their seats closer to the examiner in the center.

In the center, underneath the eddying grey rising in the heat of the bare incandescent that burns the immediate fog and reveals swirls of misty dust, sits Nathan, the subject to be cubed.

Cube away!

Silence please, from the peanut gallery

*throws a peanut*

It is essential that you all remain indifferent

::silence::

*catches it in his mouth*

*crunch*

*snickers*

*pretends to be good*

::indifference::

Nice catch!

::glares::

:-)

Jonathan...

*shrinks back in mock fear*

Yes, yes.

Now then.

When you start, I'll be good

Carry on.

Nate, this is a free association game

ok, so I'm allowed to make random connections in random or thoughtful ways?

Precisely

Everything that we are about to do takes place in a desert

interesting

I will ask you questions, and you will answer them

in a desert

precisely

yes

desert

do I have anything else?

Sahara if you like

a camel? water?

Nope

You and the desert

is it nighttime?

And sundry other items which we will get into in a moment

If you like

because it's really cold at nighttime.

Wherever and however you picture yourself, that's what it is

good. Sonora. Lots of brush.

but a desert.

Fine

In front of you there is a cube

made of?

Please describe the cube, as it appears to you in your mental picture of the desert

there is a cube

sitting atop a cactus

it is skewered on long needles

it is made of sponge

which is odd

because the sponge is alive

it is a yellow sponge

(LOL!)

(Be good)

and I used it to wash my car

but I don't have a car

at least not in the desert

In fact, I remember once

(this sounds like cruelty to animals...)

when I was driving through the Sonoran desert

in a van

with twenty people

we forgot to take water

(peanut gallery, I'm warning you...)

well, except for one gallon

so we all took a swig

and then we ran out

it was a bare metal interior

we had to barter to get such a nice van

The AIM service could not send the message: You have sent too much data too quickly. Please wait a little while before sending more

Akkk. Too quickly. It's cutting me off.

Ugh... remind me not to try trips acorss the desert

Right, anyway...

there was barbed wire at the place

but we got a van

(This is going to be a fun one...)

(yes, isn't it?)

and we found a Golden Corral buffet in the middle of the desert

(there's one down the road btw. My dad likes it for this very reason)

and so we all went in

and it was the first time I didn't see people overeat in a buffet

because they were all so thirsty

also the first time I didn't see anyone order carbonated beverages.

So anyway, back in the desert,

the sponge is talking

(I'm jealous.)

Talking?

'Why am I here? What is life about anyway?'

yes.

It's a talking sponge.

(Oh my!)

skewered on the cactus

Wow.

contains some water

(I'm remaining indifferent... barely...

(Oh, me too.)

but we'll be getting to that

Okay...

How big is the cube?

so the sponge is philosophizing about life

oh, the sponge cube

oh yeah. I forgot

species spongificus cubium

they sometimes grow as large as 15 feet in diameter

which is also odd

because cubes don't have diameter

but this sponge is a baby sponge

perfect for carwashes

and for faux texture painting

So it's... how big in diameter?

[on artsy walls]

It can't have diameter.

Cube.

Sorry...

Radius

Whatever!

No.

That either.

this one is perhaps 6 inches by six inches, by a half a foot.

There you go.

which is odd

(:: giving J a fixed and meaningful look :-) )

because it has no feet

(Silence, Mortal.)

(Thank you for saving her, Nate)

(Not even half of one?)

(*smiles silently*)

(Even clams have... well, a foot.)

Okay...

Um. Ok. So the sponge is wondering about life...

No, no...

We're moving on from the sponge

It isn't wondering about life.

It's not doing anything

It's dead.

It died of thirst

(That's awful!)

I should think so, atop a cactus.

Wait... is your sponge cube talking and philosophizing, or is it dead?

but it will be good for painting.

"well, you said, "no

so I killed it.

I can rescussitate it

hmm

That's okay.

I pull out my pocketknife

I think I'd rather have it alive.

take a core out of the cactus

Ack!

(I told you there was animal torture going on. Where's Peter Singer when you need him?)

and drain some of the juice onto the sponge

hey, that's not fair.

the woodpecker did it too, so I should be ok

I am moving on

Second question, Nate

(He's throwing paint-filled sponges at meat-eaters...)

and the sponge is rescued from the cactus and the burning heat of the nighttime sun

(Peter Singer, that is)

In the desert there is a ladder

Describe the ladder, please

it is a very tall ladder

it's actually a very long long long pole

with a ladder on it

come to think of it, I can't see the top

odd.

hmm

Is it on the ground?

the ladder is starting to spin

Or off it?

it sinks down into the ground

It is straight up?

deep, deep, deeper than I could imagine

Or does it lean on something?

nothing at all

That's... pretty deep.

the ladder is spinning

this is really interesting

It is...

I think I'm going to get on.

Interesting

The AIM service could not send the message: You have sent too much data too quickly. Please wait a little while before sending more.

Oh, you have no idea...

Final question, Nate

In the desert there is a horse

Describe the horse

as I was saying, the world is spinning

The horse is spinning too

with the world.

What color is the horse?

It's a dark horse

Which axis?

But what color precisely?

a horse of a different color, of course

GASP!

and, see, the horse is having trouble holding on

Did you hear that?

because, oh my!

the world is spinning

G, did you hear?

and inertia

wow.

(Yes, I did!)

He's bracing himself against the ground

but it's too much

I'm grasping the ladder

and the horse is down there

I must save it!

faster and faster

(ROFL!!!!)

hmm

I'll let down the sponge!

G! Indifference is essential

ok. Good.

It's a very tough sponge

:-)

now that it has been fortified with cactus juice

Does the sponge rescue the horse?

the cactus has now fallen off the earth

no. I do

with the sponge.

(this is really scary)

and so the horse is now clinging to the ladder with me.

Oh, good stink! This is great!

(Yup.)

oh no.

the ladder is rising

this is not good.

Or is the earth dropping?

Er.

The horse is holding on. I've lashed him to the ladder with my sponge

On second thought, B, maybe I will send you the poem I wrote this morning.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL....

I think maybe it's starting to apply...

should I stop here?

Stop there.

The Interpretation

This test, evidently, was meant to be interpreted to figure out my future. Rather than post the rest of the conversation, here's a wrap up from the person who administered the test and invited the mess.

Here's how an interpretation works. There's a primary interpreter, and the surrounding council is allowed to weigh in whenever, but the head interpreter's ideas stand.

The story elicited remarks like "Excuse me please while I roll about collecting dust-bunnies with my elbows, in ecstasies of laughter...", but for the most part, the interpretation was (mock) serious.

here goes...

I kept listening.

I remembered that I need to bring up the fact that Elizabethtown is a good college. I like it. People at religious schools sometimes assume the worst. Parties and drinking --infrequent, from what I hear-- are annoying. But I don't see it, since I stay away. Life is classes and academic buildings for me. Living at Etown actually makes studying easier. By having few friends, I'm able to focus.

I thought I knew what this would be. But I kept my mouth shut, hoping it wasn't.

Well, hmm. Definitely a religious school -- courting -- but I didn't let the inner feminist wonder about other people calling my future wife a horse.

I'm still not entirely sure what to say. But I guess I don't need to worry about my future. Someone already has it figured out.

Even if it does involve cactus-juice soaked sponges.