It is happening again. No, not visions of grandeur, not thoughts of great accomplishment, but that miasma of inner creativity that Johnson experienced often, fought through, and observed in Boswell.
Put quite simply, I am bored. Is it that I have rushed madly to accomplish things, and I am now done? Is it the change in weather? Maybe. I rested well last night, ate nutritionally the last few days, and even exercised a few times. My mind even feels sharp.
But I am bored. I feel the strain of the large amount of reading, the lack of focus that has been forced upon me by so many classes. Is it possible or sane to honestly read so many works of literature in so little time? Is it even honest to come so low that I must read Frankenstein in 2.5 hours? I could spend a year just studying what I have learned in the last month. And I would be much better for it.
Yet we steel ourselves for the second half of the semester, and more insanity.
As active as it seems, capable as it appears, my mind is unable to focus on anything right now. I am bored with being a human computer, with processing large quantities of data. Is this what it is to learn?
I am quite bored by the shallowness of my studies. And yet there is no time to go deep. No time. No time for anything. No time, no time.
True genius is to still accomplish, still attain, even during these troubling times. Right?
Whether by brute force or by stimulus or by letting go I do not know, but I suspect that raw discipline and brute force are what is needed.
Besides, I always despise myself after I (inevitably, as I always do) just let go, or watch movies, or play games for a week.
I always slack off, no matter how hard I try to be diligent, and I am always discouraged.
And yet, I haven't taken a true vacation in nearly three years. The closest thing to vacation was my visit to Virginia, my visit to seminary classes all morning, as professors spoke in foreign languages and drilled students.
sigh.
This time it will be different. This time, I'm pushing through....if I can.